Decisions, Deviating, Maybe
by greyslostwho
Summary: Maybe every decision you've ever made has had the potential to deviate. Maddison, throughout their whole story. My attempt at a little bit of closure on the Maddison (tragic) ending. Maybe somewhere someone made different decisions. Oneshot.


**DECISIONS, DEVIATING, MAYBE**

**Maybe every decision you've ever made has had the potential to deviate. Maddison, throughout their whole story. Spoilers for everything that aired. Oneshot.**

**Both my first attempt at handling how Addison dealt with the news about Mark, and 2****nd**** person in the Grey's/PP fandom. A bit of an experiment, so let me know how it went.**

**Disclaimer: Believe me, things would have gone a VERY different way if I owned any of it.**

There's an idea somewhere that every decision you've ever made has been made somewhere else in the opposite way, and everything after that was different. You thought about that for a while, the night after you found out about Mark.

You met him in med school, and you were years younger, and you already knew Derek was interested – he was never the world's most subtle flirt. He introduced to his friend (as it was, about ten minutes before the first time he asked you out), and the shallow part of you saw something you liked, your eyes opened slightly wider. There was something, even then, in his eyes, that you couldn't tear your own away from. If you thought about it now, given everything that happened after that, everything that didn't happen even, you suppose you should have acknowledged what was happening in your head, and when Derek asked you out for a drink minutes later, you should have politely declined; that's not something you do, is it, go out with someone when you're honestly attracted to their best friend? You should have seen it then, it was a recipe for disaster.

You should have waited for something from Mark, however long it took, and he should have been the man at the other end of the aisle six years later, and then all those things you're ashamed of, all of those moments you'll never quite forgive yourself for, they'd never have happened. You'd be in New York, with Mark and at least one child… though you've always thought there's something about bad juju in your complete inability to have children, so maybe there'd have been four or five children… and you'd never have been Derek's, so you never could have betrayed Derek as you did…

On the subject of Derek, you had a moment of doubt the night before the wedding, and at the time you'd imagined that was what all brides did, and to some extent, that's true. But there was a certain face that kept appearing in your mind as you were thinking about Derek being the only man you'd ever be with from now on, and if you'd properly thought about it, you guessed it was your head telling you that you weren't ready to make a lifelong commitment, you were still wondering about what being with other people (one in particular) would be like.

If you'd weighed up your thoughts, come to the conclusion that you weren't ready for this, you would have walked out of Derek's life with still some remaining dignity, and you would probably have disappeared for a few years. Maybe in this other world where you made that decision you'd run into Mark somewhere a few years down the line – because all you can think right now is that you and Mark were too meant to be to never come across each other again; you'd have ended up together. And it wouldn't have been perfect – the two of you have always been somewhat hopeless at relationships – but maybe you'd have reached some sort of level of happiness.

Another place you imagine there's an Addison out there somewhere who didn't act the same way is that first night in the brownstone, the night you became a cheater. You'd been mentally cheating to some degree for years, you suppose, but that was the night you crashed your lips into Mark's, and all concepts of loyalty and marriage went to hell from there. He'd pulled back after a few minutes, held you at arm's length, locked his eyes with yours. _You sure? _were the words that came out of his mouth, and you weren't sure really, not at all, but you'd smiled, nodded and brought his lips back down to your own again, and it had escalated quickly after that. And once you'd done it once, there was no reason not to do it again, for weeks until the timing fell flat and Derek walked in. But you hadn't been sure, and if you'd been a little stronger you would have shaken your head and stepped away… not become a cheater.

You'd have still loved Mark, but maybe if you'd been a good enough person to make that decision your marriage with Derek would have fallen flat in the next few months, and maybe he'd have moved away, disappeared from both your lives, and you and Mark would have fallen together eventually with ease and innocence, and maybe not being cheaters, not being secret, that was what you needed. Maybe you'd have gotten pregnant with the same baby, you'd have kept it this time, and maybe you and Mark would have struggled through, been a family, been perfectly happy on your own in New York, and Seattle and the Greys and everything that followed would never have happened.

And Ella would be eight now, and running around your feet, laughing, and even if she was never followed by a brother or a sister, you'd all be happy.

Considering Ella, there's one decision you'll always wish you'd never made, you'll always wish you were in the world where you'd walked out of that abortion clinic the moment you walked in, or never went in the first place. You'd done it on a spur of the moment decision, the shock at seeing Mark in another woman's arms. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, though, and you can only think you suppose you should have thought sensibly before you'd done anything so rash. You'd always known what Mark was like… Mark was a cheater, you'd seen it so many times… and who were you to judge, anyway, you were a cheater. And you were a married cheater, and that was probably worse.

You wish you'd had the strength then to take a step back, maybe let your anger for Mark brew and it all to end in a massive row between the two of you, and you're sure you would have sworn you'd never forgive him, but you know yourself well enough to know you would have done, in the end.

You know, _knew, _Mark well enough as well to know that he wasn't stupid enough to have made the same mistake again. It was horrible, it was probably what you deserved, but it could have been the last disaster the two of you had. You've got a feeling that after that you would have been able to pull back together again, be a family.

You can see the Addison in that world as well, and she's pretty similar to the one in the last, she's curled up with Mark and Ella on a sofa in a family home somewhere, and right now you can't help thinking she's happier that you'll ever be. Maybe in some ways, she's stronger because of that bridge she and Mark crossed, with the cheating and the considering an abortion and all of that. Maybe they're stronger there.

You think there are probably two other realities stemming from the 60 day pact… there's the one where you weren't so bloody stupid and ignorant, and you never felt the need to sleep with Alex Karev… because what did that get you, really? In the heat of the moment, you'd thought it was what you wanted, but the look in Mark's eyes when he'd lied to you on the stairs… you'd never wanted it that much. If you'd been able to weigh up the consequences it would bring, against how much you wanted it, you suppose you'd never really wanted it at all. In that reality, you'd have both made it to the end, and you'd have been so impressed with him, you'd have given him a go. And maybe, just maybe, that go would have worked, and you'd still be together right now.

And then there's the other possibility, and that wouldn't have been as pretty, but you're pretty sure the two of you would have found an answer, in the end, the same way you should have done in New York. You'd have told him the truth, and he would have been mad, and he probably would have shouted, maybe you'd even have been apart for a while, but he would have forgiven you eventually, and you'd have fallen back together; that always seemed to happen; maybe with a much stronger relationship built than before, foundations built on ruins. The two of you would still be together now, and you'd probably clash every now and again, you'd probably fear it was over, but you'd always both, together, manage to claw your way back. And you'd have made some sort of family, even if it wasn't the conventional kind. You're sure of that. In all these perfect alternate realities there's at least one child running around, whether your own child or your equivalent in this other world for Henry.

You stop then, a lump forming in your throat, because you haven't been thinking about Henry. That's what's wrong with these worlds, isn't it? Henry's not anywhere to be seen. You feel like an awful mother, in those moments, for even considering a reality without your son. Because he does mean the most in the world now, he is perfect. But he doesn't fit, not here.

Because that's the big one, then, the closest to home. Sitting in your bed, and his words crashing around your ears: _I'm so sorry, Red. _

Maybe somewhere, you fought harder. Maybe somewhere, you managed to talk him round, persuade him to keep Sloane's son, keep him with you. Maybe he'd have moved to LA with you, maybe Henry would still have cropped up in that reality, and you'd be practically in the same place you are now… because Jake's lovely, you're sure he's more than you deserve, but he isn't Mark. No one's ever going to be Mark.

You like the theory of so many realities; every time you'd made a wrong decision, there was an Addison somewhere that hadn't. It gets you a little confused if you think about it too hard, mainly because by this logic there's infinite other Addisons out there, happier than you are, without as many regrets.

But maybe this is what you need. Because you've always thought at the bottom of your heart that you and Mark were something that was _meant _to happen, and maybe by this logic there's still an Addison-and-Mark out there somewhere.

Happy, and final.

Just maybe.

**Hope you enjoyed, it was a bit of an experiment, so any constructive criticism will be listened to. **** Please review, if you've got anything to say.**


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